


The Worst Case Scenario

by pupeez4eva



Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Bat Family, Established Relationship, Humor, In The Worst Way Possible, M/M, Relationship Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-08-05
Packaged: 2018-12-11 12:11:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11714154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pupeez4eva/pseuds/pupeez4eva
Summary: "Hey Bruce, I heard that Dickhead's realised his true love for the Joker!" - Jason and Dick decide to break the news of their relationship to Bruce as gently as possible - by making him realise that it could be SO much worse.





	The Worst Case Scenario

Dick didn't really think about what Bruce's reaction would be when this had first started. He'd filed it away as something to worry about in the distant future, and had been preoccupied with thoughts of Jason, and lots of other wonderful things he'd never thought he'd be doing with _Jason_ of all people.

But here they were, a couple, after months of staring, pining, and awkward near-misses, until Jason had finally accosted him in the gym, made up for all of that time in just a few hours, and had left Damian (who had unknowingly wondered inside…they really should have locked that door) utterly traumatised.

They'd decided that they would tell Bruce later. First, they wanted to see if this would last. There was no point in telling him, and bring forth the inevitable storm, if it would all be for nothing.

(They were lucky that Damian's version of coping was to be in complete denial that anything had ever happened — "what are you talking about Grayson, you and Todd were simply sparring. And you're both idiots, as usual" — or else Bruce would probably have known within the first few minutes).

A few months later, and they still hadn't told him. And, after a few near-misses — it was ridiculously hard to hide things from Bruce. They didn't call him the world's greatest detective for nothing — they'd decided that something had to be done.

This though…this was _not_ what Dick had had in mind.

"This is a horrible idea."

"No it isn't!" Jason argued. "Just hear me out, okay?"

Dick stared at Jason, his expression a mixture of exasperated and amused. Exasperated because this was Jason, and amused because…well, this was Jason. Sure, he'd hear him out, and then they could file this idea away with all the other bad Jason-ideas.

(This was Jason though. After all the time he'd known him, and the months he'd spent dating him, Dick should have known better).

"So the old man hears about us — what does he do?"

Dick's eyebrows raised. "Break something?"

"I'm thinking more along the lines of break _someone_ — probably me, since I'm obviously not the favourite here — "

Dick sighed. "Jay."

" — and I don't particularly want to have my bones broken. Also, Bruce has been less of an asshole lately, and I don't really feel like returning to the days when his death was my biggest hope and aspiration."

"So you're plan is to completely traumatise him?"

Jason grinned, wide, enthusiastic, and dangerous. "My _plan_ is to make him realise that he could have gotten _a lot_ worse than the two of us."

"…Because we are seriously the worst thing ever."

Jason snapped his fingers. "Exactly!"

Dick sighed.

"So — before Bruce has a chance to think 'oh fuck no' and _try_ to shut this whole thing down — try being the key word, because of course we'd just kick him in the testicles and fuck off — we tell him that…oh, I don't know, that you're doing the dirty with Superman."

Dick winced. "Jason, _no."_

Jason smirked. "Or that I'm skipping off into the sunset with Aquaman! Or how about this — "Hey Bruce, heard that Dickhead's realised his true love for the Joker!""

Not for the first time, Dick realised that he was dating someone who wasn't quite right in the head. Of course he loved Jay, so it was worth it. Most of the time.

"And then — when he absolutely can't take it anymore — we tell him the news. That Jason and Dick are totally a thing. JayDick's gotta be better than Click or Doker, right?"

"Click or _what?"_

"Oh you know, your name combined with…" Catching sight of Dick's incredulous expression, Jason sighed, and rolled his eyes. "Look, it'll work. Plus, trust and shit, that's the foundation of all relationships, right?"

Oh God, the things he did for this guy. "Okay fine," Dick said, "we'll give it a shot. But you are _not_ telling him that I'm dating the Joker."

...

"Dick's dating the Joker."

Bruce's head snapped up, and he stared blankly at Jason, who returned that stare with the most innocent expression he could muster. Since Jason and innocent weren't exactly words that went hand in hand, it was a sign that something wasn't quite right.

"Excuse me?"

"Dick's dating the Joker," Jason repeated, fighting back a smirk. Sure, the stakes were high, but _God_ messing with Bruce was fun. "I'm not kidding. They had this threesome with Harley Quinn. It was seriously freaky."

Bruce continued to stare at him, his mouth parted slightly.

Jason paused, considering what he had just said. Hmm…weird and confusing for Bruce, sure, but his delivery wasn't _completely_ realistic…

"It was seriously traumatic," he amended. Because sure, he'd been crow-barred to death by the guy, so he would never be _okay_ with Dick screwing the Joker (especially considering…well. Bruce wasn't ready to know about _that_ yet). "Because…well, the Joker. And it made me mad because…the Joker. Yup. That about sums it up."

"Jason, what — "

"See ya, old man!"

...

Dick still thought that this plan was majorly stupid. He was going through with it though, because…well, he wasn't completely sure why.

_'The things I do for you Jay…'_

"So…"

Bruce glanced up from the Batcave monitors. "Yes?"

(Bruce had spent most of that morning mulling over what Jason had said, before he'd finally brushed it off. It was Jason, and Jason always said weird, crazy things).

"Uh…" Dick hesitated. "So…Jason's dating Roy."

 _'Oh God,'_ Bruce thought.

"What?" he said aloud.

"Roy Harper. Jason is dating him."

Dick inwardly frowned. Was that extreme enough? He had no idea what Jason had decided to go with for his own little announcement to Bruce, but…oh who was he kidding. He had agreed to go along with this, and that was good enough.

"Oh," Bruce said, still staring.

"Yeah." Dick laughed awkwardly. "So…what's for dinner?"

Bruce looked slightly startled by the sudden change in conversion. "I'm not sure," he said. "You could ask Alfred."

Dick nodded quickly. "Right of course." Another pause. More staring. "…Roy and Jason are really happy together."

"I'm…sure they are." Bruce's voice was strained.

Dick nodded. "Yup. Okay, bye."

...

"Dick's dating Clark."

_"What?"_

"Yeah I know. Crazy right? I always thought the guy had a thing for you — "

Bruce's eye twitched. "Jason — "

" — but apparently it's Dick he secretly lusts for. Although not so secretly now. I walked in on them, and wow, was it a mess."

"Alright what the hell is — "

"…Mostly on Clark's end. I guess it's an old age thing." Jason paused, and considered Bruce for a moment. "You know," he said at last, "you _might_ want to marry Catwoman now. You're getting to the age where sex alone won't be enough to win her over. Although I suppose you do have enough cash to drag it out a bit longer…"

_"Jason!"_

Jason grinned, pleased by the look of frustration and confusion on Bruce's face.

"Bye!" he announced cheerily, before hurrying out of the room.

Bruce stared after him, his mouth agape.

...

Bruce had decided that Jason was joking. There was no way he _wasn't_ joking. The whole thing was just too ridiculous to comprehend.

That didn't mean he hadn't called Clark…just to make sure. Because there was nothing wrong with being overly cautious. Clark had seemed confused by his strained, awkward questioning — "so you _haven't_ seen Dick lately?" "er…no? Bruce is there something going on — ?" — and Bruce had hung up the phone, feeling more embarrassed than he'd ever admit to.

About half an hour later, Dick showed up. Bruce inwardly wailed. Outwardly, he maintained his usual stoic mask.

"So, uh…"

 _'Oh god,'_ he thought, _'it's happening again.'_

"Jason is dating…Roy. And Kory."

It took a lot of effort — almost a painful amount — to maintain that calm, blank mask. "Excuse me?"

Dick shrugged. "Yeah, Jay decided that Roy wasn't enough. I'm, uh, sure he's just at that age where you…experiment a lot."

Bruce gave a small, jerky nod. "Oh."

"Yeah…" Dick coughed. "So…any particularly violent crimes lately?"

Bruce's eye twitched. "Dick — "

Dick gave an awkward laugh and took a step back. "Actually, you know what, never mind. I think I just heard Damian calling."

He left, leaving Bruce feeling more confused than ever.

...

"Dick is dating Roy."

Bruce's jaw clenched, and he stared fixedly at his breakfast. He'd never thought he'd say this, but he _missed_ the days when Jason had ignored the manor like a plague. "I thought _you_ were dating Roy."

"…I am?" Jason blinked. "Oh yeah, I _am!_ Oh my god, I forgot. Uh…shit, Dickhead you bastard, and Roy! Son of a bitch, he broke my heart!"

Bruce stared at him flatly.

"I'm going to kill that bastard! Bye!"

...

He was back five minutes later. Bruce took a bite of toast, and reminded himself that he had spent years mastering his sense of restraint.

"So," Jason said, "it turns out it wasn't Roy who Dick was dating after all! It's actually Replacement."

Bruce took another bite.

Jason nodded. "Yeah I know, is that even legal? Replacement is…twelve? Thirteen?"

"Sixteen."

"Oh my fucking God, right?"

Bruce sighed. "Jason, Dick is not dating Tim."

"Yes he is."

 _"No_ he isn't. Just like he isn't dating Clark, or Roy, or the goddamn Joker!" _'Restraint Bruce, restraint.'_ "Now do you want to tell me what's going on?"

Jason smiled. "Nope."

He left.

...

In the end it was Dick who decided that things had gone on long enough. They couldn't avoid telling Bruce any longer, and they might as well get it out of the way before he completely snapped. Jason disagreed — a mental breakdown might do Bruce some good, and it would _definitely_ do them some good — but eventually gave in. He was trying to be a good boyfriend, after all, and apparently that meant he couldn't be a stubborn little shit all the time.

(He was still working on that).

Bruce's reaction to their announcement ("Bruce, we're fucking each other" _"Dating_ , he means we're _DATING!")_ , was a calm, blank expression, followed by a thoughtful look between the two of them.

"You're…dating each other," he said at last, a small frown on his face.

"Yes," Dick said. "But Bruce, before you say anything — "

"Dick — "

"No, let me finish!" His voice was firm. "I love Jay. And he loves me."

"Most of the time."

"Shut up Jason," Dick said. Jason complied, for that moment anyway (and coming from Jason Todd, that was pretty much a declaration of love). Dick turned back to Bruce. "We're together, whether you support this or not."

Bruce sighed. "I never said I didn't — "

"We're still going to be together. So. I'm sorry that you can't accept this Bruce, but I think it's time for us to leave."

Dick reached for Jason, prepared to march him out of the room.

Bruce closed his eyes. "May I _talk_ now?"

"What?" Dick blinked. "Oh. Right."

He let go of Jason and turned around. The two of them stared at Bruce, Dick with his eyes narrowed, and Jason with a bored expression on his face, though his shoulders remained tense.

"It's fine," Bruce said, slightly exasperated. "I'm happy for you."

There was a moment of silence.

"…You what?"

"I'm _okay_ with this."

"…No."

Bruce turned to Jason. "What?" he asked, frowning.

"No, I am not accepting that," Jason said. "There's more to this. You must be burning on the inside. You must be itching to act like your usual, controlling — "

Bruce cut him off. "Will you both be staying for dinner?" he asked calmly. "I'll ask Alfred if he can make your favourites."

Dick continued to gape at Bruce, apparently rendered speechless by this unexpected turn of events.

It was Jason who finally spoke up, still entirely unconvinced. "Oh, I see," he spat. "So _this_ is your strategy! Act all nicey-nice and drive us crazy with guilt."

"I wasn't aware that you had anything to feel guilty about."

 _"HA_ I knew it! _That_ was what I was waiting for, you manipulative old fucker." Jason paused and frowned, as he realised exactly what Bruce had just said. "Wait, what? _What?!"_

"You aren't…mad?" Dick asked.

"No," Bruce sighed. "Do you _want_ me to be mad?"

"…No?"

Jason stared at Bruce, struggling to understand what was happening. Was Bruce being…reasonable? _('No,'_ Jason decided _, 'no he fucking isn't')._

"You're not going to break my nose."

Bruce blinked. "No Jason. No, I am not going to do that."

"…You're going to break _Dickhead's_ nose?"

"Jason — I am not going to break _anyone's_ nose." Bruce frowned at both of them, and then there was a spark of realisation in his eyes. "Wait, is _this_ what this past week has been about?"

There was an awkward pause.

"…It made your brain explode, right?"

Bruce sighed. "If you mean I was incredibly confused, then yes."

Jason smirked. At least something still made sense in the world.

Dick, Jason and Bruce continued to stare at each other for a moment longer, before Dick awkwardly reached out and grabbed ahold of Jason's hand.

"Er…we're going to head off now," he said, and then they turned away, and walked slowly in the opposite direction.

"That went well," Dick murmured, still surprised. The strangeness of the whole thing seemed to be fading a bit though, and a smile crossed his lips. "Really well. Shit Jay, he's actually fine with it."

"…Give it some time Dickhead, you never know with the old man."

"Stop expecting the worst." Dick said, leaning closer to Jason (as if he _hadn't_ spent the last few minutes staring in open-mouth shock at his adoptive father). "And you can't keep calling me Dickhead. We're _dating_ now."

"I mean it in the most affectionate way possible." Jason draped an arm around Dick's shoulders, and then hesitated. "…Is he glaring at us?"

Dick glanced back. "No, he actually looks…fond?"

"…What."

"I _know!"_

Jason risked a glance back at Bruce, and — yeah. Yeah, he actually looked approving. Maybe even _happy_ for them, like he'd said.

"God, this is too weird," Jason muttered.

"So, _so_ weird," Dick agreed.

...

Bruce, meanwhile, was just _really_ glad he had some answers for why Jason and Dick had been acting so strange. He didn't _like_ not knowing.

Also, now that everything was finally out in the open, maybe he'd finally get some peace and quiet. After the past few days, he definitely needed it.

**Author's Note:**

> So just an idea I've had sitting around for a while now, and I finally got around to writing this. Hopefully you enjoyed it! Tell me what you think! :)


End file.
